Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. --Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. --Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

In politics stupidity is not a handicap. --Napoleon Bonapart

It's amazing how many people beat you at golf now that you're no longer president. --George Bush

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. --Winston Churchill

Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes. --Contemporary Comedy

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. --Clarence Darrow

All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp. --B.B. Franklin

Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame. --Meg Greenfield, in Newsweek

Every politician who runs for the presidency says he wants to turn the country around. That's why we have so many problems. The country's been turned around so many times, it's going in circles. --Joe Hickman

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin. --Steven Israel

Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. --John F. Kennedy

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. --Jack Mayberry

Former President Carter said that Bill Clinton brought disgrace to the White House with his last minute pardon of Marc Rich. After hearing this, President Clinton denied the accusation and said that was not how he brought disgrace to the White House. --Conan O'Brien

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. --P.J. O'Rourke

When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago so I can still be active in politics. --Representative Charlie Rangel

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. --Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. --Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. --Ronald Reagan

Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space. --Will Rogers

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. --Will Rogers

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not guilty." --Theodore Roosevelt

The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. --Theodore Roosevelt

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. --George Bernard Shaw

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. --Adlai Stevenson

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth. --Adlai Stevenson

After spending a year in Washington, I long for the realism and sensitivity of Hollywood. --Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson, also known for his acting career

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then – we elected them. --Lily Tomlin

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. --Mark Twain (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar)

President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. --The Washington Post

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. --E. B. White

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. --Oscar Wilde

An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. --Unknown

Every baby born in America is endowed with life, liberty, and a share of the national debt. --Unknown

In politics everything is possible -- until you get elected. --Unknown

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. --Unknown

Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. --Unknown

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. --Unknown

The head of a goverment office retired recently. His staff threw a party for him, gave him a watch, and told him what his job had been. --Unknown

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. --Frank Adams


A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. --Marty Allen


Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did. --James Baldwin


I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?' --Dave Barry


Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. --J. Bothne


Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by other men. --Charles Caleb Colton


Happiness can't buy money. --Bob Hope


Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. --Lazarus Long 'Time Enough For Love'


We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.' --Bill Maher


If the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions. --Arthur H. Motley


Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying then without money? --Ogden Nash


In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. --Kathy Norris


The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling. --Paula Poundstone


Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. --F. J. Raymond


Money can't buy happiness but it will get you a better class of memories. --Ronald Reagan


Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way. --Jerold Rochwald


The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. --Will Rogers


A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. --Howard Scott


The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition. --Nick Seitz


My mistake was buying stock in the company. Now I'm worried about the lousy work I'm turning out. --Marvin Townsend


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark Twain


I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the same opportunity. --Mark Twain


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. --Earl Wilson


I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock. --Henny Youngman


If poverty is a blessing in disguise, the disguise is perfect. --Henny Youngman


Budget: A method for going broke methodically. --Unknown


A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. --Unknown


Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. --Unknown


Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. --Unknown


While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. --Unknown


Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Unknown